Its been 2 weeks since I have heard from my dad. He left the day after the funeral and besides 1 time I IMed him, I havent heard a word. Nice huh? Thanks for caring.

Toren has had a terrible day. He was upset in school most of the day. Im hoping he was just cycling with his bipolar disorder or its the cold and his runny nose making him like that. I dont know how to make him feel better. He finally calmed down around 7 pm and I sent him upstairs to the bathrrom. When he came down, he was sobbing again. Makes you wonder. I bet he is missing his Grammy.

Its Tuesday and I have been back to work since Monday. It sucks. I dont want to work. People still say stuff to me daily and I wish they would just drop it. I know they mean well though.
It's lonely at home. The kids are in bed by 8:30 pm and then I just sit around for hours bored. Im not even that into any tv shows anymore. It just isnt the same.
I cant sleep. I wake up around 2-3 am with anxiety. It isnt even anxiety over anything good though. It's dumb shit like I am going to oversleep, or no one will be there to pick Dragan up when he gets out of school, or people at work are going to be mad at me, or my dog is going to knock down the stupid freaking fence. I guess I need to go back to the drs. and get something for the anxiety. Its hard to function on 5 hrs of interrupted sleep.
3 more days til the weekend. The kids are all home this weekend so it doesnt much matter,.. it will just be nice to not have to get up at 7 am. We are going to decorate for Halloween and go look for costumes.

Ive been on the verge of tears all day. When the dr. told us the cancer had spread, we aked how long she had left. He didnt want to say, but did say he thought mom would have a few more months. From the day he gave us the news until she died was only 18 days. That isnt even a month. She had only been home for 12 days too!! WHat the hell is that? We were robbed.
The dr. and his staff did send a very nice personal card the other day. He wrote in it that Mom always had a smile on her face no matter what the circumstances, and she did. The day he gave us the bad news, Mom looked at him before he left the room and said, "Thats OK, I still love you." The had bonded during American Idol and always discussed who was going to win (she wanted Bo, Dr. E wanted Carrie. lol)
Tomorrow I am going over Tim and Shelli's and we are going to write Thank you cards out. We are also going to have some crabs. Im so glad to be spending more time with them. They watched Dragan for me Friday night for awhile and thats been all he has talked about the entire day today.

You know what sucks? Watching reality tv shows like Big Brother and Survivor by myself. :(

I volunteered in Dragan's kindergarten class today. I was filled with stories by the teacher and student teacher about my child. She has never seen a child so intelligent at such a young age. He can complete the work in no time so now Dragan gets extra work or different work so its challanging him. I was so proud that wheh i got home, my first instinct was to run up the steps into moms room to share it with her. Except, now she isnt there. She used to love hearing stories about Dragan because she knew what he was capable of doing. We just like to hear the stories when other people realized what he was capable of. I have so much gossip I would love to be able to share with mom. You know she was never directly IN the drama, but she loved to hear about it. lol
Dragan asked me today how we were going to have a birthday party for Gram in June. I told him her parties will now be in Heaven with her mom and dad and other family. I will have to come up with some sort of celebration by that time.

Although I think I am handling things amazingly well, I havent been sleeping very good and I have anxiety that comes and goes. Its not that I feel depressed, just overwhelmed at times and worrying that something bad is going to happen to me and I will leave my kids without a mother. Im hoping to get some meds from the dr. on Wed. to help me through this.
I feel as though i should start cleaning out Mom's room too, but then i start to feel guilty. What kind of daughter am I for wanting to get rid of her things so quickly? Im afraid to do it, although i know leaving it sit wont bring her back.

How do you assure a child that you aren't going to die? As I was tucking Dragan in for bed, I told him good night and that I would see him in the morning. He then informed me that Gram always says she will see him in the morning. As he teared up he again asked who would be his mom when I went to Heaven. I told him I always would be his mom. He then said when i am gone to Heaven, who would take care of him. I dont know what to say other than that I am not old or sick and wont be leaving him anytime soon. Its awful to listen to the fear in his voice, worrying about being alone at age 5. I wish I couod shelter him from everything. I have been being so strong, not letting on that im upset or crying in front of him or anything. But, he is a smart kid and I cant even imagine what is going on in his mind. God help me and him.

Im in awe at the amount of people that came to the funeral home today and tonight. You expect family and friends but to see nurses and techs from Mom's hospital stays and the Chaplain at the hospital amazes me. Taking care of her was their JOB and to see the impact she had on their lives was amazing. People from her job came by, crying and telling us how special a person she was. These were people she worked directly with and even ones she served in the cafeteria. They were shocked when they heard the news. A lady mom worked with took up a collection and gave us $422. Its unbelievable. There were SO many signatures on the card that they had to get 2 cards and there was not a spot left to write on. We are putting the money towards a head stone. Mom would have been pleased tonight. She looked amazing, not a wrinkle on her. lol I know she was happy about that. Her hair looked so nice, not at all like an old lady's, which she was worried would happen. She looked so comfortable. I swear, as i was up talking to her, she smirked at me. What a nice night. Poor Kendra was quite upset and did not want to walk up to see her. I wont make her as I wouldnt do it as a child either. She was ok the rest of the night because she saw me in good spirits and realizes how happier Gram has to be now.

Funeral Arrangements are as follows:
Ambrose Funeral Home
1328 Sulphur Spring Rd.
Arbutus, MD 21227
Viewings- Wednesday and Thursday 3 pm- 5 pm and 7 pm- 9pm
Service- Friday 10 am. at Arbutus United Methodist Church

Monday, Sept. 12th- Mom passed away this afternoon at 4:15 pm. Before the ambulance came to take her to hospice, both Shelli and I told her we would be ok and it was time for her to let go. Dont you know that she passed barely an hour after being at Stella Maris? She did NOT want to die at home and she waited until she was out of the house.
I told Dragan that Grammy had went to heaven and he asked me, "What kind of angel was she going to look like?"... Then he answered himself by saying, "I'll bet she's a real pretty one".... and let me tell you, she sure is. She went peacefully and without pain.

Sunday, Sept. 11th- What i am about to type has come quicker than i ever imagined, much quicker. For the past week, mom has been seeming pretty good. She does so much stuff for herself. Starting on Friday, she has been really out of it, and not from medication either. She talks goofy talk and doesnt know the day, time, who people are, etc. Every person that came by today thought something was weird and maybe she was just very sleepy. Draga came in to tell her goodnight and she just stared at him. Right after I got the kids to bed, my dad came up to check on her. She was shaking violently saying over and over that she was freezing. We covered her with a ton of blankets and i took her temp. It was normal. She then proceeded to become agitated, ripping at her line and tube, shouting out about Pop(her grandfather), calling for Daddy, etc. I got out the comfort kit of meds and gave her some ativan to calm her down and then immediately called a nurse. We talked for awhile about what i should do, when to give her more ativan, etc. When I took her temp again it was 103.3. I called Tim and Shelli to come over and they were here in 5 minutes. The nurse had me ask her what month it was,.. she answered Tuesday. I asked if she knew who i was and she said Mommy. Finally after 30 minutes, she settled down and fell asleep. The nurse called back an hour later and we discussed everything that happened. This is the beginning of the decline. After this behavior starts, its typically 7-10 days before the patient passes away. She said she has seen them go in a day and some last another month, but that isnt the norm. Mom's respirations are very high and her heartrate is 150. I had to give her morphine to help slow it down. After all of the meds, she is now asleep. But, when she starts to wake she is immediately agitated. I am sitting up tonight and giving her ativan every 4 hrs to prevent another episode like earlier. A nurse will be out first thing in the morning to evaluate her and its a real good possibility she will go into hospice somewhere instead of home. She didnt want the kids to see her get bad, and there is no way i can tend to her for 24 hrs. Even though the hospice place is a little way away, i imagine it will only be a week or so that she will be there. And we can all certainly make arrangements for a little while to see her. Im thinking though at this point she will just be kept fairly medicated and comfortable. I cant believe how quickly things are getting worse. When she started the TPN, I was sure she would still be here til Christmas time, afterall, she WAS getting nourished. It just seems to have taken over her body all at once. Please please please pray that she just goes quickly and peacefully. She would NOT want to be acting like she is now and she is ready to go to Heaven to see everyone she misses. Please God, come get her.

Friday, Sept. 9th- Shitty day. Mom was in and out (mostly out) all day long. The pastor came to see her and so did a lady from church (she sat with her while i went to the dentist). Tim and Shelli came over for awhile and she was still out of it. Im not sure as to why because she really didnt have any extra pain meds besides her patch until later in the night. Her ileostomy bag has been changed 4 times today too. Because she isnt eating solids, the output is all liquid, which dissolves the barrier and then leaks and makes a mess. Ive done like 4 loads of clothes today because her sheets, nightgown, pillow cases, pillows, etc all need to be washed each time this happens. I have tried every trick i know to get them to stay on and they just wont. Its frustrating.
Then, she was supposed to go to 16 hr TPN instead of 24 hr. They delivered the supplies and a new programmed pump. As i was connecting it, the pump wasnt working properly and blood started back flowing. Luckily, I knew to use a heprin flush to prevent clots. I called a nurse who made me try a few different things, none of which worked. So, I hooked it back up to the 24 hr pump, which worked. Now tomorrow we will have another pump delivered and a nurse will come out to make sure its working. Another pain in the ass. Mom was annoyed and said, "I dont know why they think you can do all this".... as if it was my fault. I didnt even say anything.
Well, thats all for now.

Thursday,Sept. 8th- Pretty smooth day. A nurse came out to take some blood from mom to send off to the lab. The results will help them to decide whether to keep Mom on the 24 hr TPN or go to 10 hr infusions. It really doesnt matter one way or the other because she would be getting the same amount of nutrition. A pastor from hospice also came out today to see if we needed any supports. Mom is very close to her pastor from her regualr church, but welcomed the visit. She asked the lady for a prayer, and the lady asked her if she could sing her a song. I didnt hear it but mom said it was beautiful and really lifted her spirits. An air bed type thing was also delivered. I havent got it set up yet, but apparently it is pretty thin and just inflates and deflates all the time. It will lessen the chances of bed sores and give a gentle massage as well. Tomorrow the home health aide comes and will wash mom up and change her sheets. I will try to set the bed up during that time.
Tim and Shelli came over to sit with mom and watch the kids so i could go to back to school night at Dragan's school. It was actually nice to get out of the house. lol Shelli also made me dinner and brought it over which will be enough for me to be well fed the next 2 days! It was great not having to cook or clean up. (Not that I have been doing much of that anyway lately).
Mom went to bed early tonight, saying she was in a fair amount of pain in her back and a part up front. Not sure what thats all about but I gave her some morphine as breakthrough pain reliever in addition to the patch. I hope she sleeps well.

Wednesday, Sept. 7th- Not a bad day. Overnight was a bit rough due to the ileostomy bag leaking. Mom was able to get herself and the bed cleaned up as I was asleep. The health aide came this morning as well as yesterday morning. She helped Mom get washed up, shaved her legs, rubbed her down with lotion, changed the sheets, etc. It was a big help. She really is nice and didnt seem to mind working. lol She will be back on Friday too. A nurse also came today to bring some supplies. She will be the nurse to come 2-3 times a week or anytime a problem arises. It seems in a few days Mom will got from 24 hr TPN infusions to 10 hr ones. It is the same amount of nutrition, just a shorter period of time that it is given.
Mom called a friend from work today that she had wanted to call for sometime. This lady is battling breast cancer and just finished her chemo cycles and is now getting daily radiation for 6 months. It was nice for them to be able to talk as they could relate to each others stories.
Thats all for today.

Monday, Spet. 5- Another pretty good day. Mom hasnt needed any pain meds today (other then the patches she wears for 3 days at a time). She washed herself up this morning and changed her nightgown by herself. I think the TPN must really be helping because she isnt as weak as she was and she isnt shaking or dizzy when she gets up like she was when she first came home.
Toren has been extremely good lately around here. I know that he senses something is wrong. A few nights I have just held him on the sofa and cried as he smiled back at me. When he goes in to see mom, he is so careful by the bed. He leans into her so she can kiss him and he says he loves her. After his bath tonight, he was just standing in the hall by her room. So I took him in the room and sat him in the rocking chair. He sat with her and rocked very quiety for about 20 minutes. I think it was his way of letting her know that he cares. Im sure he will be spending more time up there now that he knows its ok to do so.
Mom has some friends from church coming over in the morning to see her as well as the visit from the home health aide (the one who doesnt like to work remember- lol). Lets hope she provides some services!!

Sunday, Sept. 4th- Pretty good day. Mom's taste for coffee came back after many months of not wanting it. Shelli came over for coffee with her this morning and went to fix a pot. When she opened the coffee pot, she discovered coffee that looked like mud STILL in it. I havent used it and the last time mom used had to have been prior to her surgery in May! Can you imagine? lol
Mom wasnt in pain today, except when getting in and out of the bed to use the bathroom. She read the paper and played Pogo for awhile. She HAS to finish spider solitare if its the last thing she does! The laptop is nice and she can sit right in bed and play it too.
And oh,.. guess what!?! I got the freaking TPN changed today with no problems! ANd I was quick!! If I would have messed it up again, there is a good chance I wouldnt have ever touched it again. She had her eyes closed the whole time and later told me she was praying it wouldnt be any trouble like it was yesterday. What can I say? I got my dad's temper.
It's so hard to look at mom and realize she is dying. She really isnt THAT bad right now besides the fact that she cant eat food. She isnt at all out of it (unless she takes too much pain meds), knows whats going on, can wash herself, brush her teeth, etc. Im sure in the not so distant future things will get worse but for now it's hard to make the connection. She always says how awful she looks, but everyone who sees her thinks she looks good! And she does.
I wish this cancer would just go away.

Saturday, Sept. 3rd- Not such a great day today. I was supposed to change the TPN at 2 pm. I thought i knew what i was doing but ending up fucking shit up. Long story short, I flushed the line and pulled it back to make sure there was still blood flow. Then I proceeded to fix the new bag of TPN and by the time I attempted to reconnect it, the blood i left in the line clotted. A nurse had to come out and put a whole new line in. I felt terrible and was acting pissy, which made mom upset. I was so disappointed in myself that I dont want to even try it tomorrow. But, I have to. The nurse did tell me though not to draw blood back since it is connected to her port which is pretty stable. So, fingers crossed tomorrow is better.
I've been worn out today. People still keep calling and asking me questions (and I dont mean family) and i know they mean well but if i wanted to talk about it, i would!! I know they care but its all i can do to keep this blog up, but I am doing it to keep everyone informed.
Everyone has been really great. Besides my kids, I really dont have anyone else besides my mom. I see her everyday. My dad lives far away and Im lucky to see him 3 times a year. I know he has his own life and Im grown, but I still need him. I feel like I am finally forming a relationship with my brother and sister in law. Before now I would be lucky to see them 4 times a year (holidays and birthdays). We have a small family and i want to be a bigger part of their lives. I also have an aunt and uncle who literally live 12 houses away, but seeing them is pretty rare as well. My other aunt and uncle (who live in South Carolina) do more for us than you could ever imagine. They dont have to, but they do. My aunt has offered to come stay here and help us for awhile. She would put her life on hold to do that. Its just how she is. I want to see them more than I do. Its pretty sad that Im 33 years old and have never needed my family more than i do now. Im supposed to be leading my own life.
And I want to thank my internet friends who think of us all the time, and keep my mind busy at night. I appreciate you guys just being there, and taking my mind off things.

Friday, Sept. 2nd- It was a much better day today. Mom is in practically no pain. The only time she has any is when getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. We were expecting a nurse to come this morning to hook up the nutrition and help mom with a shower, etc. However, at 10 am no one had come so I decided to just help her myself. She had a shower, hair wash, bag change,... the works! It took a lot out of her, but man was she thrilled to be clean. Around 1 pm a home health aide showed up. I asked her what she was here for and she replied she was going to help with showering, etc. She had an "I dont want to work attitude" about her and when I told her I had already went ahead and did it myself she seemed pleased. Bitch. I know she doesnt want me to have to whoop her ass. ;) Mom told her that she doesnt want a shower at 1 pm because by noon she is wiped out. So, the aide said she would see what she could do to come earlier next week. Then she left. Shortly there after the nurse came to hook up the TPN (nutrition). We told her about the aide's attitude and she was pissed off. She said she would take care of it. Later in the day we got a call saying the aide would be here at 9 am on Tuesday. LMAO I guess she got in trouble. Oh well. As the nurse hooked up the TPN, it took about 45 minutes for her to do it because she explained every step to me and then made me do it in front of her. I will be the one replacing the TPN every 24 hrs. On Tuesday, the TPN transfusionswill go down to 10 hr ones, instead of around the clock. It should be much easier for mom not to have to worry about the line getting pulled as she gets up. e are hoping to that after a few days of some nutition she will start to get some strength back. After not having ANY form of nourishment for over 48 hrs, she was starting to get very weak and dizzy. She is already showing improvement after just 8 hrs of this stuff. Its kick ass. I was able to get her a mouse today for the laptop (she cant work a touch pad) because she is needing a Pogo fix. However, I havent got the wireless router hooked up yet, and dial up was too slow to load her games. Put that on my to do list for tomorrow. She was happy today though to have a friend from her job come by to see her. It lifted her spirits. For awhile there, she thought everyone had forgotten about her. lol Thats all for today.

Thursday, Sept. 1st- Last night was kind of rough. Mom was up every hour needing water and ice. She is becoming very dehydrated as everything she takes in by mouth immediately comes out ot the peg tube. The good news is that she urinated about 5 times during the night which means she is getting some fluid. Hospice came to the house today. We learned a lot and got a lot of help. Today was the initial intake meeting, so we didnt get mych actual hands on help, but rather resources. A hospital bed and table were here within hours. Uncle David, Aunt Pat and I quickly disassembled the old bed, carried it to the basement and cleared the way for the new bed. Im so glad we got it because mom is 100% more comfotable plus it allows her to have more things within reach AND it helps keep me from breaking my back trying to change bandages, etc. Hospice deals with a certain pharmacy who delivers the rx's,.... which are FREE. We had a delivery of the pain patches (which are placed on the skin every 3 days) as well as some morphine to be used as a break-through med if additional is needed. I tried to get her to take a dose of morphine tonight to help her sleep and she refused it, saying she wasnt in that much pain.
Tim, Shelli and Timmy were here today again amd i can tell that she really enjoys their company. Quite frankly i think she gets sick of me since im heere all the time, but loves to spend time with them. Its a big help as I can get errands done during that time.
Late this afternoon I was becoming concerned as mom had not urinated since about 6 am. I called hospice to ask when the TPN (nutrition) would begin as she is rapidly becoming dehydrated. The assured me that it would start first thing in the morning. Transfusions last about 10 hrs and a nurse will come tomorrow to teach me how to hook it up, etc. I just know its going to help her tremendously. We will have an actual nurse here 3 times a week, and a home health aide anywhere from 3-5 times a week. I will still have to do a lot of stuff, but hey, thats why i took a leave of absense from work right. :) I'll update tomorrow after the visit from the hospice nurse.