The more time that passes, the worse i am feeling. I think i need medication. Im dreading the holidays coming up, especially since I will be alone part of xmas day. The kids always go in the afternoon with their dads. I was invited to a friends house from work,, but i dont want to seem like a charity case.

Do you ever wonder if people that say they are your friends and act like your friends really ARE your friends? Would real friends acknowledge the death of your mother? Would they send something to let you know they are thinking about you,.. say even a card at the least? Would they ask how you are feeling and talk to you about it? Would they ask if you wanted to talk with out you having to mention it? Would they avoid you? Would they be too busy to listen to you?

I dont know why but im feeling really emotional today and tonight. I had a good cry by myself for about 20 minutes which was triggered by a tv show. I also cried on my way to work just from a song. Its awful. I think its because her car is gone now,.. something i have been waiting for to happen, even pushing for it. But now, I wont see it everyday parked next to mine to remind me of her.

I got a new tattoo on Friday night, in honor of my mother. Eventually i think i might add her date of birth and date of death. There were so many things i wanted to tell her this weekend. Gossip gossip gossip. I know she is pleased with me regarding a "certain" situation. Rest assured mom, I took care of business. :)

I redid the bathroom this weekend. It was so disgusting. I had been talking about doing it for months. It was supposed to be my next project after i finished the kids room and my room. I just never got around to it. Before I painted, Kendra helped me clean the times and the walls and ceiling. You would NOT believe how disgusting it was. Mom and I used to smoke in the bathroom and with each wipe came a handful of yellow nicotine/tar shit that was ALL over in there. Gross. Its been 5 months by the way since I have smoked. Anyway, I painted it yellow and decorated in yellow, oranges, and some pinks. Its nice and bright. I wish Mom would have got to see it.

Its been a month since my mom died. I still miss her like crazy and life isnt the same without her. Thats all i feel like saying.

Well, today I took the kids to the cemetary. ALthough a footstone was ordered (Sat.) it wont be in for a few months. I explained to them that this was were Gram's body was even though she was in Heaven. Dragan had a zillion questions but didnt seem upset. We left 3 baby pumpkins sitting there,.. one for each of the kids. I wanted to take a mum but the place we stopped at on the way there didnt have any. Maybe next week. D asked me if when i went to Heaven I would write in the sky "Hi. Love, Mom" so he knows I got there. Then he asked how do you learn to fly, when do you get wings, where do you sleep and ever other senseless question you could imagine. He wanted to know who you talked to up there. Evidently I gave him good enough answers because he didnt ask for any clarification and eventually he quit asking them. We did tell a lot of funny stories the rest of the afternoon about Mom and things she liked to do or say. I think it really benefitted the kids that I was so open, since I usually avoid talking about it or change the subject altogether. Im gonna try harder to talk about it more.

I went to the dr. today because the meds he gave me to sleep dont work. He gave me something else to try which should help with the anxiety. I also asked if he thought anyone would do an elective appendectomy on me. I got a referral to see a gastroenterologist to discuss it. The way I look at it is this,..... you have incresed odds of getting breast cancer if you mother has it. You have an increased risk of colon cancer if you have a relative with it. Who knows if appendix cancer carries those same increased odds. I want my appendix out before it has a chance to get cancer. I dont think thats so wrong. Appendectomies are done laproscopic now and the recovery is minimal. I need to make the appt though to discuss it which i guess I will do Monday since everyone is closed now.

It was 3 weeks ago today that I lost my mother. In some ways it feels like it's been months, time goes so slow each day and all i think about is her and how much i miss her and want to tell her things. In other ways, I feel like it just happened yesterday. It seems like I should be checking on her to see what kind of drink she wants or if she wants a cola snowball or some tea. I still walk by her room and look in almost expecting to see her sitting in the bed.
Six months ago, life was great. She was working, I was working. We would go shopping together. We were watching American Idol every week and rooting for Bo. We laughed at silly things Toren did or were amazed at things Dragan did.
I still remember when she went into the hospital for the first time. She had come home early from work and went to the dr. When I hadnt heard from her and she wasnt home in the afternoon, my brother and I went looking for her. She sat in the ER that day for like 7 hours before she was seen. I talked to her late that night and she said they were keeping her,... it might be her appendix. I was thinking appendicitis, not cancer. But I think she knew that night something serious was wrong, she just didnt want to let on. That was so like her,.. to worry about us and to want to protect us.
After her the surgery, when Dr. E came out to talk with us, I thought he seemed pretty positive. Even 2 months later when he examined her, he still seemed positve. How is it that she went the entire summer with the cancer just raging out of control and no one knew?? She was seeing an oncologist who was starting chemo. She was having blood work done. And no one fucking knew this shit was eating her alive? She always said she didnt feel like she was getting any better. I guess she was right.
My mom was always such a good mom. She put up with so much shit from us. I fought with her, lied to her, disrespected her, disgraced her, you name it. But, do you know what? She still loved me. It took me years to become a better person, the kind of person I know she wanted me to be. But I finally did it, and I know she is proud of me now. I promised her thats the kind of mother i would be, and i am now, thanks to her.