Christmas was hard, but i got through it. I spent xmas eve with the kids. We went to my brother and sil's house. Shelli gave me a beautiful frame with a picture of my mom in it and a hanging cross on the other side. I cried because it was so pretty. Late that night, I went to church with Shelli and Keri. It was so nice and i felt so much comfort in being there that i wish i could go more often. After i left, I came home and cried like a baby while I put out all the presents. I was thinking of the same time last year, how Mom helped me put everything out after she came home from church.
My dad was here from Friday night and just left this morning. It was nice to spend time with him. He was here mostly the whole time and even rode with me 4 hrs to pick up Dragan and come back home.
In a few days, Dragan and I will be flying to NC to spend New Year's eve and day with Amber and her kids, Connor, Brennen and Makenna. We havent seen her since August and are excited to be going for a visit. D is especially excited to be going. He got along great with the boys.

Between yesterday and today, mom got 4 xmas cards in the mail. So tonight i spent time typing up a letter to send back to these people letting them know what happened. I will send them out tomorrow. How awful for people who really cared about her to hear of this news at xmas time,.... as well as 3 months after the fact.

Well its almost Christmas and all I can say is thank God for prozac, my family and good friends. I have been feeling much better although i know Xmas day is going to suck.
For being a person who used to not believe in God, I sure have turned around. After witnessing my mother on her way to Heaven, and hearing her talking to her Pop and Mom and Daddy, and having God answer my prayers of coming to get her quickly without letting her suffer, I know now He is real. And I need Him in my life. Recently I have been struggling, feeling like I should be getting signs or something from her or God. I still had one arm dangling over the disbelieve fence, and thought maybe thats why I wasnt getting anything. But, wouldnt He know that at this time of struggle I needed something obvious? Or was He not trying to show me He was real because I still had doubts? Was He sending me signs and I was just missing them, chalking them up to coincidence? After talking to some best friends about it, I figured all I could do was pray about it, ask Him for signs to lead me down the right path. And so I did. Two days later I got 2 very distinct signs. My Mom was with me after all, watching over me and I felt it. I saw it. I havent had anymore since then, but a good friend of mine has told me God sends signs in many ways. A new person in your life, a song, a feeling in the air. I have recently made friends with someone I work with who has strong faith and is helping me find mine. We are from 2 different worlds but can talk about anything. WIthout her, I might be more over the disbelieving fence. Now, Im fully over the fence. Im a believer. And believing gives me great comfort that my mom is in a wonderful place, enjoying being with God and yet still watching over all of us.
Dragan has recently told me of some dreams he has had about her. he claims he saw her one night in his dream and she told him God needed her up there to help take care of all the babies that had gone to Heaven.... because we all know "how much Gram loved babies."

Well, its been awhile since i have felt like updating. Nothing new. I upped my meds and hoping they start working a little better soon. I took a Christmas wreath and vase of fake flowers to mom's grave a few days ago. It looks like they are getting ready to put her stone in soon. I didnt stay long. I took the kids over sat. to see the wreath and stuff and Dragan wanted to stop by since he was finally 5 on that day. I was sad mom wasnt around to see him turn 5 but i know she was watching over him at the bowling party.
I wish she would give me some kind of sign that she is around. But, who knows, i might be getting signs but just missing them. I feel like Im waiting for George Burns to walk in and tell me she is fine up there.