Yesterday and today we put the xmas decorations up. It was hard for me to do it as usually mom helps. A lot of the stuff, if not all of it, is hers. The kids hung their ornaments and we all hung Gram's. We talked a lot about her today,.. remembering good times. I put some of her ornaments in a box to give to my brother and his family. I figured they might like some for their tree.

Although i dont have a mother anymore and i am missing her terribly right now, I do still have a lot to be thankful for. Im thankful that I have healthy, smart, goofy, wonderful kids. Im thankful that I have become closer to my family and that I am getting to spend more time with them. Im thankful that i have family that would do anything they could for me. Im thankful for my friends, including 2 ex's Jason and Darryl, that help me however they can.

Its been 2 months and i still cant believe Mom is gone. It still doesnt seem real. Its like she is just working late or something and will walk through the door at any minute. I miss her. I have been going to the cemetary a few times a week. Sometimes I get out of the car, sometimes i dont.

Today I made tuna noodle casserole. It was one of mom's favorite meals. In fact, it was the first thing she requested when she got out of the hospital in June. We would fight over the onion topping though.

One thanksgiving, mom and i were invited to 2 different houses. One was my aunt and uncles (where we always ate) and one was Dragan's aunt. We didnt want to hurt anyone's feelings so we decided to eat a small amount at my aunt's and then 2 hrs later go to Dragan's aunt's and have a plate there. Well, we overloaded at the first stop and then tried to do our best to look hungry at the second stop. When we left to head home i thought we were gonna puke in the car. We got home and neither one of us could move. It was awful. We were sick for 2 days..... really. And then we laughed about it for months. Every year at Thanksgiving time we would say,.. remember when we tried to eat at 2 houses... and how sick we got???

Well, my dad is here and will be staying for a few days. With him staying here, I am reminded of the time Mom yelled at him. She used to let him stay in her house,.. on the sofa of course, so he didnt have to pay for a hotel and so he could spend time with the kids. Well, he would be GONE more time than he was here. So, one time she told him this was not a damn hotel and if he wanted to do all of his running around, he may as well GO to a hotel. He did,.. and never asked to stay here again,.. until recently that is. lmfao

Back when mom and i were smokers, we kept an empty coffee can on the porch for butts. I went out to smoke once and then came in when i was finished. Mom went out a few minutes later to see the butt can on fire. I hadnt put mine out good enough. Ohhhhh was she mad. I could have burned the whole house down ya know.

Mom and I used to love going to Costco on the weekends. We would eat so many samples that it was almost like lunch!!

All i have been able to think of lately are bad thoughts about my mom. I remember her laying in that hospital bed at home, moaning everytime she tried to get up. I remember having to help her shower, give her shots and pack her wound. I remember that last night when she didnt even know who i was. A friend of mine recently suggested that everyday I try to write about a good memory,.. something from before she was even sick. Im going to try that to see if it helps me replace those awful memories with better one.
Mom loved playing games on the computer. She was an addict, especially on Pogo, a game site. It costs like $30 a year to be a member so i joined and we shared a screen name. Mom would play at like 5 am on weekends when she didnt work and casually chat with people who were in the game rooms. I told her to be careful... not because i was afraid for her safety but because these people would add her to their friends list and start coming into any game she was in. Sure enough a few days later, as I was playing I had all these goof balls coming in trying to talk to me. I ignored them and they got all nasty,.... thinking i was HER and i was all of a sudden ignoring them. lol Mom was like "Sorry, I had no idea!" She quit chatting with people after that but boy did she love to read everyone elses chat!

Dragan has been sick again. When he gets sick, he gets it in his chest and coughs terribly. The dr. put him on an inhaler. For 4 nights, he coughed so bad I ended up bringing him in bed with me. Its the first time that he has ever been in bed with me (he came in once but he doesnt remember). It was so nice to have him in my bed those few nights. He is better now and will sleep in his own bed from now on. I missed him in mine last night.
I feel so alone and my heart aches. I need to know my mom is with me and Im not getting any signs. :( My dad is coming up Thursday. He said he will be staying here but my guess is I dont see him much. He tends to use this place like a hotel. Mom would have told him off about it too. Oh well, we shall see.