It was 3 weeks ago today that I lost my mother. In some ways it feels like it's been months, time goes so slow each day and all i think about is her and how much i miss her and want to tell her things. In other ways, I feel like it just happened yesterday. It seems like I should be checking on her to see what kind of drink she wants or if she wants a cola snowball or some tea. I still walk by her room and look in almost expecting to see her sitting in the bed.
Six months ago, life was great. She was working, I was working. We would go shopping together. We were watching American Idol every week and rooting for Bo. We laughed at silly things Toren did or were amazed at things Dragan did.
I still remember when she went into the hospital for the first time. She had come home early from work and went to the dr. When I hadnt heard from her and she wasnt home in the afternoon, my brother and I went looking for her. She sat in the ER that day for like 7 hours before she was seen. I talked to her late that night and she said they were keeping her,... it might be her appendix. I was thinking appendicitis, not cancer. But I think she knew that night something serious was wrong, she just didnt want to let on. That was so like her,.. to worry about us and to want to protect us.
After her the surgery, when Dr. E came out to talk with us, I thought he seemed pretty positive. Even 2 months later when he examined her, he still seemed positve. How is it that she went the entire summer with the cancer just raging out of control and no one knew?? She was seeing an oncologist who was starting chemo. She was having blood work done. And no one fucking knew this shit was eating her alive? She always said she didnt feel like she was getting any better. I guess she was right.
My mom was always such a good mom. She put up with so much shit from us. I fought with her, lied to her, disrespected her, disgraced her, you name it. But, do you know what? She still loved me. It took me years to become a better person, the kind of person I know she wanted me to be. But I finally did it, and I know she is proud of me now. I promised her thats the kind of mother i would be, and i am now, thanks to her.