Wow, its been 6 months since Ive posted anything. There is a lot to update about. The 2nd anniversary of Mom's death is approaching. It will be 2 years next Wednesday the 12th since Mom died. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The night before she died I sat up the entire night, trying to keep her calm with meds every 4 hours. I had no idea that within hours she would be dead. Im still haunted by seeing her already gone, lying in the bed at the hospice place. I remember sensing that she had died as Shelli and I got off the elevator and asked what room she was in. My poor brother was there all alone when she died. It was easily the worst day of my life. I still frequently have dreams about Mom. Sometimes she is still sick, sometimes she isnt. Sometimes I have dreams that everyone thinks she is dead, but she really isnt, and she wants to work but cant. One night I had a dream she had a baby, and before she could name it, she died and I was going to be the one to take care of it. Im nuts,... I already know. lol
Next Wednesday is also the date of Kendra' s surgery. She is having a spinal fusion for scoliosis at Johns Hopkins. Im a little weirded out by the date being the same date as Mom died, but what can i do? I trust that Mom and God will be there with Kendra and see that everything goes according to planned.
I also just started going back to school. 5 days before Mom died she made me promise that I would finish school one day. I told her I would but seriously wondered how in the world I would ever be able to do it without her. She would watch the kids and help me with homework. Anyway, I decided to go back for the nursing program. Im not in yet, but taking the required courses to be able to apply for the program in the spring. I think I want to be an oncology nurse. Some of the ones that Mom had during her hospital stays really changed our lives. I want to be able to do that too.
Thats all for now.

So, tonight I went through the boxes of death. I dont know why I did it, but I did. Then I had a good cry. Its been years since I went through Barbie's box.... the autopsy, the newspaper article, the cards, etc. I looked through her untouched wallet that mom had saved, with a single dollar bill rolled up inside of it.
Then I moved on to mom's box. Not only had I saved every sympathy card, but every single card she had gotten from the first day of her illness. There were messages of hope and concern and people praying from her. One of the most touching was perhaps the one from Dr. Esquivel and his staff. I looked through the signatures of everyone who had come to the viewings. I read the booklet from the day of the funeral with all of the songs and scriptures mom had chosen. When i had had enough, I put everything back in its place and then back into my closet.

So, someone else I know just lost his father. He was only in his 40's. Life is so short and depressing. People that have never lost a parent cant even fathom the pain and hurt that comes with a loss like that. I mean my mom died 17 months ago and it still seems like just yesterday. I still remember how sickly and weak she was towards the end and i have more vivid memories of the bad times than i do the times before cancer started eating her away. I hope everyday that those memories will fade more and more over time and that I will be able to just think of the good times we had before.

Dragan had another ride to the ER last night in an ambulance. He has croup again. It was the same exact scenario as a year ago. Luckily, this time was much better because he was calm and didnt get worked up. Poor kid. He goes through some shit.
I was thinking earlier today that I really wished Shaunn would have got to meet my mom. She would have loved him and the way he treats me and the kids. Her and I never thought it was possible for me to meet someone that wasn't screwed up... like some of the previous people I have dated. Boy were we wrong. Maybe she had something to do with him and I finding each other. She always was looking out for me so I can imagine that she pulled some strings.
She always promised me that if I waited long enough patiently good things would come to me. She was so right.

Today has really sucked emotionally for me. It started not 5 minutes after i got into the car this morning. When i was stopped at the red light, I looked over to the right only to see what i imagine was a 60 year old woman driving her 80 year old mother somewhere. Its fucked up that people that age still have their mothers around and here I am,.... 34 with no fucking mother.
It pisses me off when I hear people bad mothing their mothers too. Someone at work was talking about their mom "meddling" in their life. Isnt that what mothers do? I would kill to have my mom getting into my business about now. But instead, I have no one to tell me a damn thing, whether it be good or bad. I cant call my mom to ask her something. I cant call her to tell her about whats going on in my life. I cant call her to tell her how the kids are. I cant call to ask her a simple fucking question. And if I sound bitter, its because I am.
I still hate when people tell me that things happen for a reason. My mom getting cancer and dying in front of my eyes was for no good reason.

Something really neat! So, i took pics of the living room after i painted it. There is a big ass ORB in the pic. The same exact thing happened when i took a pic of my bedroom after i painted it orange. I just KNOW its mom!! Look at her!

Wow, another month has past since I have posted on here. A close friend of mine just lost his mother to breast cancer, and another close friend of mine lost his dad to a heart attack. One of them was in her 70's and the other in his 80's. My mom didnt even make it to 60. She was only 58. Having to go to the funeral homes and send arrangements has really depressed me. All I could think about was my mom lying in the casket with her hands folded on top of her. It feels like yesterday that she died and I dont know how I ever managed to move on with my life. The kids and I lived with her. She was my best friend. She was the one I wanted to tell everything to and ask for advice all the time. God, I miss her. This sucks.
I cant get in the mood for Christmas either. I havent bought hardly any gifts and really dont have any desire to. I dont feel like setting up the tree or decorating. I wish it wasnt this time of year. But, the kids are getting excited so hopefully I will soon too. I will be alone Christmas afternoon when the kids leave and will probably just be pitiful by myself. lol