Well, its been awhile since I have felt like writing. Its not because I havent had anything to say because believe me, I have plenty i want to talk about. I havent felt like coming here because it is too full of memories. Memories I dont feel like thinking about much lately. Most days were good days for me, and I guess they still are. But recently I have been thinking more and more about the last few weeks when Mom was alive. I have dreams that she is still alive, when everyone else thinks she is dead. I panic at having closed the bank account and returning her car, because in my dreams she is better and needs them.
In May, I had my first adult birthday party ever. Tim and Shelli invited my friends and family to their house, wherre i thought i was just going for a Memorial Day cookout. I was shocked. The kids were thrilled. It was my 1st birthday without Mom. 2 weeks later we all participated in the Relay For Life. It was hard and cold, and emotional. But for once, it made me feel like I was doing something to help. I know Mom was proud of us all and believe me, she was on everyone's mind that night. Not only did we relay for her, but everyone else that is affected by cancer and its ugliness. Just recently a friend of mine lost her father in law to cancer. One of my very oldest friends mother just had a double mastectomy. Everyone sooner or later will know someone with cancer. Its evil.
I also have an obsession with following many kids caringbridge pages. These are kids who have cancer and are undergoing treatment. I dont know why I do it,... its just heartbreaking.... but i do. I am thankful my kids are healthy and I pray for each one of these kids to beat their disease. I guess Im partially responsible for depressing myself.